Lesson 14 in RO-DBT mindfulness teaches awareness of harsh judgments and encourages us to notice our judgmental social signal towards self and others. It asks questions like, \u201cHow do I express my harsh judgmental thoughts about others? For example, do I exhibit a flat face, scowl, look away, laugh or chuckle, seek agreement from others, tell them it\u2019s for their own good, stare, puff out my chest, talk faster, adopt a commanding voice, roll my eyes, pout, go silent, act disgusted, behave as if I\u2019m not bothered or they are unimportant, begin planning revenge, or smile while giving backhanded praise?\u201d (The Skills Training Manual for RO-DBT, pg 301).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I\u2019ve reflected on this lesson, I can see myself having a slight lip curl, flat voice, and sometimes looking disinterested when judging. So okay, new rule: \u201cnever show disgust\/judgment signals. No more lip curls, raised nose, eye rolls, or puffing out my chest.\u201d Whoops, that\u2019s not exactly context dependent now is it? In the therapy world there can be an emphasis on being non-judgmental, and as a self identified OC person I can be prone to overcorrection when I receive criticism that I\u2019m doing something wrong. So slowing down and actually considering the function of judgment signals have really helped me think about how to apply the principle rather than a rule.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Judgment signals towards others are often disgust expressions and they communicate some kind of message like, \u201cthere is something wrong with you or your behavior.\u201d They function to elicit shame in the other person and even can trigger feelings of rejection. It\u2019s kind of like they say, \u201cI may kick you out of the tribe for what you are doing or how you are.\u201d Since disgust as an emotion tells us a message about contamination and it leads to urges to cleanse, in a social situation it may actually say, \u201cI\u2019m washing my hands of you.\u201d In essence judgment signals aren\u2019t really fun to be on the receiving end of, and if we receive a lot of them from a person, we may tend to avoid that person altogether. Sometimes I have noticed that I accidentally send this message to others and if I truly consider the signal, it doesn\u2019t fit with my values. I am embarrassed to admit a time that I asked my husband, \u201cwhat are you watching on the T.V.?\u201d He responded, \u201c a horror movie about a haunted\u2026\u2026\u2026\u201d (This is when I stop listening to the description). And then I noticed the left side of my lips go up while I slightly sneered and said in a flat sarcastic voice, \u201doh, cool.\u201d. In reflection, I think \u201coh crap\u201d he was just sharing his preferences and my signal communicated that there was something wrong with it or with him for liking it. So I try to be mindful to make sure my face doesn\u2019t signal judgment when people I care about are sharing preferences that may be different from mine. After all there is no \u201cright\u201d breed of dog to like (despite my personal bias towards border collies), or \u201cright\u201d taste in movies or music, or \u201cright\u201d hobby. Hell, when I really think about it, I love that we have different preferences and passions. It would be really boring if everyone liked that same thing anyway, and people definitely aren\u2019t doing anything wrong by having different preferences than mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now to consider when it would fit with my values to show my \u201cjudgy\u201d face. Well for egregious behaviors, I do value signalling judgment and the possible result of it pushing the other person away. For example, I think that egregious behaviors would be someone mistreating their pet or screaming and berating a child that made a small mistake. In those moments my face sends a message I intend which is \u201cthat behavior is not okay and outside the norm.\u201d Or if I\u2019m at a bar with a friend and someone is being very pushy about asking for our phone numbers or to come to a party with him despite us kindly saying no, my face signalling disgust may communicate more clearly than my words \u201cleave us alone\u201d and without it the other person could get a mixed message. Remembering that generally people believe body language more than words, if I say \u201cno, thanks\u201d while smiling, nodding, and looking interested in what he is saying, I may find that the other person doesn\u2019t back off. After all, I don\u2019t have to be nice all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I guess this is really just a self reminder about the principle to keep myself from overcorrecting (sharing a self reminder publicly is a bit funny). So, hey Jamie, remember to notice with curiosity if judgmental body language or tone fits with my values (without assuming it does or doesn\u2019t) and ask myself, \u201cDo I want to communicate to the other person that they should feel shame or do I want to push them away?\u201d When I really think about it, sometimes there are moments I do want to push people away and that\u2019s okay. I just don\u2019t want to accidentally push away people I really care for and want to stay close.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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