{"id":2680,"date":"2022-01-24T14:28:09","date_gmt":"2022-01-24T14:28:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/?p=2680"},"modified":"2022-03-30T14:34:13","modified_gmt":"2022-03-30T14:34:13","slug":"its-lonely-at-the-top","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/its-lonely-at-the-top\/","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s lonely at the top"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>So, I\u2019ve been thinking about the ways that I may treat myself as special or different from other people. In RO DBT, we sometimes call this the enigma predicament, i.e., <em>\u201cI am not like other people\u201d<\/em> (see Lynch 2018, pg. 318 of the RO DBT Textbook and the webinar \u2018The Enigma Predicament\u2019, Level 2 of the Blended learning program).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>\u201cNormal expectations for behavior do not apply to me because of my exceptional pain and suffering\u201d.<\/li><li>\u201cI don\u2019t need to conform to what society expects\u2014because, unlike most other people. I am capable of creating my own rules\u201d.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>One aspect of seeing ourselves as different is having an expectation for different or special treatment. Just for fun we could think about this as our little princess (or prince) persona. There is a dialectic here: in some ways we are each unique. We may have different struggles, genetic factors, responsibilities, and past experiences, and yet at the same time we all are the same in sharing the bond of humanity. We all have current struggles, we are all trying to move forward from past painful experiences, we all have genetics we can\u2019t change, and we all have current jobs we need to get done. So, I suppose for myself it\u2019s not about denying our individual experiences, but rather about noticing times when we are emphasizing being \u201cunique\u201d in situations where it doesn\u2019t fit or isn\u2019t helpful. On face value, considering ourselves as special seems nice, but it doesn&#8217;t consider that it may mean that we are separating ourselves from the tribe and as the song by Randy Newman goes, \u201cit&#8217;s lonely at the top\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To practice some openness around this RO concept, I have started to notice small moments when I feel like I deserve something or am considering myself special and have asked myself \u201cAm I truly owed this?\u201d Here are some moments that I noticed that I may be expecting different treatment (and the emotional or relationship consequences that resulted):<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>So, I\u2019m in the grocery store and the line is moving very slowly. I start to feel very impatient and have a sense of urgency. I notice this sense of frustration that this is \u201cwasting my time\u201d and I have important things to do (like returning client phone calls). I like to think of this as \u201chelper entitlement.\u201d If it was to talk it may say something like \u201cdon\u2019t you see I\u2019m very important in helping others and you should cater to my timeline.\u201d Eeek. I didn\u2019t even think about how the mom with several children in front of me probably also has an important timeline to keep.<\/li><li>I pull up to the building, and the parking spot I usually use is taken. I groan and roll my eyes thinking \u201cwho are all these people taking my spot?\u201d (despite the fact it\u2019s not actually legally mine). Whoops. I notice leaning into some self pity about my (truthfully pretty short) walk to the building. This one was interesting because I noticed some feelings of deserving it because it\u2019s what I normally do. If this entitlement was to talk it may say, \u201cCan\u2019t you see I deserve this because it\u2019s my routine.\u201d<\/li><li>I walk into the phone store to change my service plan and ask if they can break the rules for me due to a time crunch. They refuse and bluntly tell me to follow the proper steps. I notice the judgment \u201cthis is terrible customer service.\u201d There is this feeling like it\u2019s their job to make this process less painful for me. If this entitlement was to talk it may say, \u201cCan\u2019t you see that I am overwhelmed and deserve to be saved from this discomfort?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>What an embarrassing thing to admit. And yet, as I have practiced openly sharing (with embarrassment signals) these experiences with friends (#usingtheREVEALSskill), I have heard them share similar stories in response with self-effacing laughter. Turns out maybe I\u2019m not alone. And the more open I have been, the more I have found that we can tease each other about it. In some ways, it&#8217;s a rejoining the tribe experience to admit that I want special treatment even when I am not owed it. Maybe I\u2019m not so special, and there is some relief in that because it comes with the warmth and relaxation of connection and helps me to let go of the cloud of negative emotion from normal day-to-day frustrations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019d like to experiment with this RO concept, practice noticing times that you treat yourself as special or different in contexts where it isn\u2019t helpful or doesn\u2019t fit. With open curiosity and perhaps even a little humility and humor we can admit to ourselves that maybe we are just part of the herd and slow down and enjoy the company.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n<div id=\"author-block_624469de80fa3\" class=\"author\">\n\n    <svg version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"72\" height=\"80\" viewBox=\"0 0 72 80\" overflow=\"visible\">\n        <clipPath id=\"hex\"><path d=\"M0 54c.3 4.5 2.8 8.7 6.7 11 .1 0 22.3 13 22.4 13.1 4.2 2.5 9.6 2.5 13.8 0l22.3-13C69.4 62.6 72 58 72 53V27c0-5-2.6-9.6-6.9-12.1l-22.3-13C39-.4 34.2-.6 30.2 1.3c-.5.3-23.9 14-24.3 14.2C2.5 17.9.3 21.8 0 26v28z\"\/><\/clipPath>\n        <path fill=\"#F1F2F4\" d=\"M0 0h72v80H0z\" clip-path=\"url(#hex)\"\/>\n        <foreignObject width=\"80\" height=\"80\" x=\"0\" y=\"0\" preserveAspectRatio=\"xMinYMin slice\" clip-path=\"url(#hex)\">\n            <img width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Jamie-Martin-scaled-1-150x150.jpeg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>        <\/foreignObject>\n        <\n    <\/svg>\n\n    <h6>About the Author: Jamie Martin,\u00a0M.Ed. Ed.S. LPC<\/h6>\n    <p>Jamie is a therapist that specializes in working with personality disorders in Greenville, South Carolina. She implements the evidenced based therapies of standard DBT and RO DBT to help those with too little or too much self control. She is passionate about learning to appreciate the benefits and challenges of each personality style.<\/p>\n    \n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>So, I\u2019ve been thinking about the ways that I may treat myself as special or different from other people. In RO DBT, we sometimes call this the enigma predicament, i.e., \u201cI am not like other people\u201d (see Lynch 2018, pg. 318 of the RO DBT Textbook and the webinar \u2018The Enigma Predicament\u2019, Level 2 of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2682,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2680"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2680"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2680\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2823,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2680\/revisions\/2823"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2682"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2680"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2680"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2680"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}