When I first read the RO-DBT manual, I was blown away. In a sense, I felt comforted, knowing that I was not the only one who struggled with OC (overcontrol) tendencies. I remember reading descriptions of individuals who could benefit from the treatment, and I recall thinking, \u201cOh my god, that\u2019s me!\u201d Everything made more sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After all, I was a pro at masking my inner feelings. I always downplayed the negative rather than overstated the positive. I \u201cnoticed the trees but missed the forest.\u201d A book misaligned on a bookshelf triggered anxiety and I can\u2019t even tell you how many times I rearranged my bookshelf (and closet) over the years. I had a lot of frames in my room, and if the corner angle was not 90 degrees, it made me feel uncomfortable, and I just had<\/em> to fix it properly. I despised messy environments, bottled up my anger until it led to self-injury, and had high standards for myself and others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I enjoyed activities with greater self-control and discipline. I preferred horseback riding and was terrified of team activities, especially team sports. I falsely believed that happiness \u201cmust be earned and leisure time must be self-improving\u201d and that my self-worth was based on my performance at school and work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t take risks because I was so afraid of making mistakes, and I was proud of my fierce independence. I had a hard time with self-disclosure, could tolerate an incredible amount of distress, and experienced a whole lot of shame. I felt alienated from my family, sacrificed my needs constantly, and to top it all off, spent my teenage years wallowing in self-pity, writing romanticized stories about death and suicide, and becoming enveloped in feelings of despair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the past, whenever someone described me as \u201cperfectionistic, cautious, disciplined, structured, conscientious, reserved, dutiful and restrained,\u201d<\/em> I felt immense pride. However, after years of suffering and learning about maladaptive overcontrol, I realized that I did not want those adjectives to define my whole person. Although being cautious and disciplined was helpful in some instances, I needed to find a middle path. I believed that RO-DBT could help me achieve that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve come a long way, and it\u2019s been a few years since I first read the RO-DBT manual. For example, I no longer feel the need to have a perfectly aligned bookshelf. In fact, I\u2019ve even taken the habits of stacking books all over the place! I\u2019ve also stopped folding my clothes after each time I do laundry, and I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s a good habit to have! I am getting better at expressing my anger, and mindfulness skills have been helpful for that. I leave my dishes in the sink sometimes, and am OK with that \u2013 and thankfully, have understanding roommates! My self-injury has decreased, and I\u2019m learning to lower my standards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m currently looking forward to joining a team sport for the first time and make it a point to engage in one leisure activity per week. Watercolor painting, as frustrating as it can be, is teaching me that it\u2019s okay to let go and not be in control all the time. Art is a fantastic way to challenge my perfectionism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m taking more risks. For example, I\u2019m submitting my writing to different publications, and learning to be rejected \u2013 which is truly not the end of the world. I have a solid support system, and lots of people who love me, and are part of my tribe. ?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have not written sad poetry for a few years now and try my best not to wallow in self-pity. I\u2019m hopeful about the future \u2013 and am looking forward to practicing my skills. Some of my favourite include Flexible Mind has HEART and Flexible Mind VARIEs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n RO-DBT is a new treatment that is not currently available to many. I\u2019m so grateful that I can benefit from its approach, and I love practicing self-enquiry. I\u2019m grateful for my group leaders and therapist who support me unconditionally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s fair to say that the last decade has been a rollercoaster of pleasing, performing and perfecting. However, I\u2019m not buying it anymore. That\u2019s not how I want to spend the rest of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They say sometimes that transitions happen with big events, like birthdays, marriages, and graduations. But sometimes change happens with the smaller events\u2026like the time you allow yourself to have a solo dance party when your roommates aren\u2019t home, or the first time you prioritize your sleep over schoolwork, or try something new, or allow yourself to cry after not allowing yourself to do so for ages. Events can be small and significant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Recently, I\u2019ve concluded that I have this one in a lifetime opportunity to build a life that I care about, a life worth living, worth sharing, with joy and meaning. A lot of people will never, never have that chance. It\u2019s such a privilege, your quality of life. So, I\u2019m going to admit my mistakes, practice self-enquiry and grow. I\u2019m going to love myself, others, and embrace what the world has to offer.<\/p>\n\n\n