{"id":2824,"date":"2022-09-12T10:26:42","date_gmt":"2022-09-12T10:26:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/?p=2824"},"modified":"2022-09-12T10:26:42","modified_gmt":"2022-09-12T10:26:42","slug":"i-cant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/i-cant\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cI can\u2019t\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>One day I was challenging an OC client to notice anytime she says \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d in her day-to-day life and I started to accidentally notice my own habit as a result (whoops OC therapist learning from her OC client). So as I was chatting with a colleague about a work issue I said, \u201cI can\u2019t not say something to her.\u201d She nodded along and validated my feelings and as I walked away I realized (with my newfound \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d mindfulness), \u201cWell that was a lie. I have great self control and could totally stop myself from saying something. I just want to say something and don\u2019t want to be told not to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Have you ever noticed how many times a day you tell yourself or others \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d? As I started to pay attention to this for myself, it was kind of surprising.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are some other \u201cI can\u2019ts\u201d I noticed in my exploration:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li>I can\u2019t understand why they would do that.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I can\u2019t talk about this anymore.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I can\u2019t think of anything to cook.<\/li><li>I can\u2019t read that writing.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I can\u2019t get out of bed.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I can\u2019t handle the dogs barking.&nbsp;<\/li><li>I can\u2019t make it tonight.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>So just for fun, which ones do you think I\u2019m truly incapable of if I paused and thought about it for a second? There are some for sure that I really couldn\u2019t do, and yet the majority are ones that I really could do the behavior and just didn\u2019t want to. Though doing the behaviors would have been uncomfortable, them being painful for me and my not being capable of them were actually separate issues.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So why might people use \u201cI can\u2019ts\u201d when they really can? Well, first of all, they may not even be noticing that they are, and it may just be a habit. But the thing about these \u201cI cant\u2019s\u201d is that they give us plausible deniability. It\u2019s hard to challenge the other person if they are claiming to be incapable of change. So when I really stopped to consider my use of \u201cI can\u2019ts\u201d I realized that sometimes they were kind of a little push back to others in a way that let me off the hook to do anything differently or block the person from giving me feedback. What a very effective cop out. \ud83d\ude42 And if I were to guess the other person kind of knew too.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now, of course we get to make choices in life, so the idea here is not to force ourselves to do or not do things instead of saying, \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d But it has a different feel to say, \u201cI don\u2019t want to resist saying something\u201d instead of \u201cI can\u2019t resist saying something.\u201d The first is a much more genuine representation of myself and the choice I\u2019m making. So I guess it&#8217;s something about owning or taking responsibility for our choices in life with the ability to reflect on if it fits with our values.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So if you want to join in on the fun, notice any moments that you may say \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d, \u201cI couldn\u2019t\u201d, or \u201cI\u2019m not capable\u201d and with some genuinely open curiosity ask yourselves, \u201cIs that really true, or do I just not want to?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n<div id=\"author-block_631f0916069d3\" class=\"author\">\n\n    <svg version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"72\" height=\"80\" viewBox=\"0 0 72 80\" overflow=\"visible\">\n        <clipPath id=\"hex\"><path d=\"M0 54c.3 4.5 2.8 8.7 6.7 11 .1 0 22.3 13 22.4 13.1 4.2 2.5 9.6 2.5 13.8 0l22.3-13C69.4 62.6 72 58 72 53V27c0-5-2.6-9.6-6.9-12.1l-22.3-13C39-.4 34.2-.6 30.2 1.3c-.5.3-23.9 14-24.3 14.2C2.5 17.9.3 21.8 0 26v28z\"\/><\/clipPath>\n        <path fill=\"#F1F2F4\" d=\"M0 0h72v80H0z\" clip-path=\"url(#hex)\"\/>\n        <foreignObject width=\"80\" height=\"80\" x=\"0\" y=\"0\" preserveAspectRatio=\"xMinYMin slice\" clip-path=\"url(#hex)\">\n            <img width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/Jamie-Martin-scaled-1-150x150.jpeg\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/>        <\/foreignObject>\n        <\n    <\/svg>\n\n    <h6>Jamie Martin, M.Ed. Ed.S. LPC<\/h6>\n    <p>Jamie is a therapist that specializes in working with personality disorders in Greenville, South Carolina. She implements the evidenced based therapies of standard DBT and RO DBT to help those with too little or too much self control. She is passionate about learning to appreciate the benefits and challenges of each personality style.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n    \n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>One day I was challenging an OC client to notice anytime she says \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d in her day-to-day life and I started to accidentally notice my own habit as a result (whoops OC therapist learning from her OC client). So as I was chatting with a colleague about a work issue I said, \u201cI can\u2019t [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2825,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2824"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2824"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2824\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2826,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2824\/revisions\/2826"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2825"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2824"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2824"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2824"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}