{"id":804,"date":"2018-02-13T10:29:55","date_gmt":"2018-02-13T10:29:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.radicallyopen.test\/?p=804"},"modified":"2023-12-06T12:38:16","modified_gmt":"2023-12-06T12:38:16","slug":"the-purple-house-learning-to-forgive-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/the-purple-house-learning-to-forgive-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"The Purple House: Learning to Forgive Yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"

My favourite colour has always been purple.\u00a0 When I was in elementary school, living in a boring, grey stucco house, we had a neighbour who in my child\u2019s eyes lived the charmed life.\u00a0 Not only was her house raised via the slope of the road, it had a robust yard, wonderful views of our street and yes, was painted a deep royal purple.\u00a0 She also had a cattery on her property which I would ride my gold painted bicycle with its banana seat up to admire.\u00a0 I recall thinking as a young person that I would like nothing more than to live in a purple house with many cats.\u00a0 Little did I know at the time, I would indeed to grow up and live in a purple house, albeit a metaphorical one.<\/p>\n

\u201cPurple\u201d houses come up frequently in RO DBT treatment.<\/a> As my clients come into later stages of treatment, typically session 14 on, there is a realization that how they have lived their lives as overcontrolled individuals has caused pain. This pain has sometimes materialized in abandoned relationships, rigid adherence to rules at the cost of connection, and the awakening that living an overcontrolled life \u2013 while reinforced \u2013 comes with other consequences including overcontrolled conditions such as anxiety, depression and restrictive eating disorders. And at the root of these, loneliness. I was talking recently with a client, who I will call Penny:<\/p>\n

Penny: This whole RO thing has made me question a lot. For example, do I need to actually re-examine the valued goals I said I had at the beginning of our time together?<\/em><\/p>\n

Nicole: That\u2019s pretty cool that you have these questions, at the same time I am aware of imagining that is painful?<\/em><\/p>\n

Penny: Yes, totally [pulls out laminated valued goals card]. For example, a valued goal I have is standing up for what is just.<\/em><\/p>\n

Nicole: Mm-hmm, we talked earlier on about how people who lean to OC often are very justice minded.\u00a0 So if there is energy attached to that, what might that be telling you?<\/em><\/p>\n

Penny: Well, I have been getting feedback lately that adhering to this has actually alienated the very people I need to have on my side to get justice done. So here I am gaining these insights via self-enquiry but it IS painful. For god\u2019s sake, I am 55 years old and so much time has been wasted living the wrong way!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Nicole: Yeah, I am aware of imagining that there has been lots of painful insights, and thank you for telling me about this. I think your honesty is pretty courageous. I\u2019m going to out myself to you here and let you know I had a similar response when I first started applying RO DBT to my life \u2013 yikes, all this time I thought I was doing the \u201cright\u201d thing. And remember, Penny, doing the \u201cright thing\u201d has been reinforced for both of us over time. And it can hurt to realize that our overlearned habits have created consequences we can\u2019t always undo. But here\u2019s the thing \u2013 imagine you hate the colour purple. And you wake up one day and discover you are living in a purple house. Knowing that means you can change it and start painting your house the colour that actually better represents you. And we don\u2019t have to repaint the whole house today, how does that sound to you?<\/em><\/p>\n

Penny: Good, although purple is actually one of my favourite colours (smiles)<\/em><\/p>\n

Nicole: (Laughing): Mine, too! Maybe we should tell Tom to change this metaphor to a different colour!<\/em><\/p>\n

What the above vignette demonstrates is that we don\u2019t know what we don\u2019t know<\/em>. And so when therapists and clients begin to cultivate new insights into their habitual ways of being via self-enquiry,<\/a> there can, indeed, be pain. From an RO DBT perspective, this is to be validated and celebrated. Of course, it may be that forgiving ourselves is the most challenging task. I encourage my clients to work on the RO DBT forgiveness skills so they do not remain in a state of rumination or harsh judgement for not knowing better <\/em>or for hurting others through their exercising OC coping<\/em>. We practice Flexible Mind has HEART which can have a powerful and lasting impact.<\/p>\n

As for my own \u201cpurple house,\u201d repainting has been arduous but worthwhile work. I can mourn what has been sacrificed in times I clung dearly to overcontrolled ways of coping (often without realizing it) and work at integrating RO DBT principles as best I can. And the future looks rosy \u2013 so maybe the new house will be pink. With a cattery and gold coloured bicycle, of course.<\/p>\n

\n

About the author:\u00a0J. Nicole Little, Ph.D., R.C.C.<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Nicole is a therapist specializing in eating disorders and other conditions of overcontrol in Victoria, B.C., Canada.\u00a0 She has also taught for 13 years at Universities and colleges. Her passions are RO DBT and animal assisted therapy.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My favourite colour has always been purple.\u00a0 When I was in elementary school, living in a boring, grey stucco house, we had a neighbour who in my child\u2019s eyes lived the charmed life.\u00a0 Not only was her house raised via the slope of the road, it had a robust yard, wonderful views of our street […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2948,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=804"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2950,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804\/revisions\/2950"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2948"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}