{"id":905,"date":"2018-05-03T08:39:36","date_gmt":"2018-05-03T07:39:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.radicallyopen.test\/?p=905"},"modified":"2018-05-03T08:39:36","modified_gmt":"2018-05-03T07:39:36","slug":"the-other-f-word-fake","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/the-other-f-word-fake\/","title":{"rendered":"The Other F Word: FAKE"},"content":{"rendered":"

Much of RO DBT therapy includes an emphasis on practicing skills that will help people who lean toward overcontrol (OC) get back into the tribe, and as a result, back to optimal mental health.\u00a0 According to Lynch, psychological health or well-being in RO DBT<\/a> is hypothesized to involve three core transacting features:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Receptivity and Openness to new experience and disconfirming feedback in order to learn.<\/li>\n
  2. Flexible-control in order to adapt to changing environmental conditions.<\/li>\n
  3. Intimacy and social-connectedness (with at least one other person) based on premises that species survival required capacities to form long-lasting bonds and work in groups or tribes\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    If I had five dollars for every time I heard an OC client say \u201cwell I would be willing to do that except it’s fake\u201d<\/em> I might be retired.\u00a0 Indeed, as an RO DBT therapist, getting curious about the concept of \u2018fake\u2019 has been one of my steepest learning curves.\u00a0 Before we dive into how to work around this therapeutic pickle, it might be helpful to consider what leads OC folks to perceive the practice of the above three \u2013 and general politeness \u2013 as being fake.<\/p>\n

    Consider this conversation with \u2018Amy\u2019, who is a 35-year old single mother of a 6-year old and presented with chronic depression:<\/p>\n

    Nicole: So how did it go on the diary card?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: Ok, but I wanted to inform you that the behaviour of chatting to other moms didn\u2019t go very well. <\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole:\u00a0 Oh?\u00a0 What happened?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy:\u00a0 Well, I did just like we practiced.\u00a0 Big three plus 1 and all that jazz.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole: Well done!\u00a0 We\u2019ve been practicing that for a while.\u00a0 So, did the other moms talk to you?\u00a0 Cause normally you say you try to avoid contact all together.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy:\u00a0 Yes, a couple of people talked to me.\u00a0 But what I wanted to tell you is that I just did it for the homework.\u00a0 It felt completely fake and I don\u2019t think RO DBT would endorse people running around talking about the weather or other things that have no substance.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole: Hmm, ok, that kinda makes me wonder how people get to know one another?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: What do you mean?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole:\u00a0 I dunno, I am thinking that when I meet somebody for the first time I normally don\u2019t use opening lines like \u201cnice to meet you, my grandmother has cancer\u201d or \u201cnice to meet you, I have a long history of shoplifting.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, those might be things of substance but they are not my opening lines.\u00a0 So what exactly did you say?\u00a0 Can you show me?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy:\u00a0 [groan \u2013 she is used to having to \u201cshow me\u201d social signals. She raises her eyebrows and smiles] I hope the weather holds for the kids to go on their fieldtrip tomorrow. <\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole: Wonderful!\u00a0 If I were one of the moms I might answer with:\u00a0 Me too, what should we plan if the event is cancelled?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: Right, SO fake.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole:\u00a0 Ok, Amy, here\u2019s the deal.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel like you were being fake with me there.\u00a0 Let me ask you this:\u00a0 would you tell your son to avoid small talk with his classmates because it means he is a big fake-flake?\u00a0 How might you coach him to make friends?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: Argh, I see what you are saying.\u00a0 He is not going to make friends unless he exchanges a few pleasantries.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t want friends, I am fine just the way I am.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole: Sure, you don\u2019t want friends and no one said that was a requirement of RO DBT.\u00a0 But what we do know is that avoiding interactions that have some of the social glue needed for cooperation leaves you out of the mom tribe \u2013 and probably stuck in depression.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: So you\u2019re saying that being polite is social glue?<\/em><\/p>\n

    Nicole: yep, pretty much.\u00a0 We actually practice this prior to a session and on break at skills class, so I know it is not an inherent deficiency <\/em>\ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/p>\n

    Amy: Ok, I will keep at it.<\/em><\/p>\n

    In a perfect world, the conversation about \u2018fakeness\u2019 would end here (unless we are talking about fake news!).\u00a0 But consider for a moment that for many of our patients, they live in a heightened state of threat, and as a result, are physiologically responding to the world as though it<\/em> is<\/em> threatening.\u00a0 It is difficult to make small talk with a frozen smile, flat face or clipped tone; others avoid you and this perpetuates the cycle of isolation.\u00a0 I often tell my patients that learning to do the \u2018small talk\u2019 or social politeness rituals is akin to moving your limbs after they have been frozen.\u00a0 That is, it is going to be stiff and awkward at first, but that doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t have limbs.<\/p>\n

    Given there is such energy around feeling fake, I did a little research into the term:\u00a0 \u201cOne theory claims that fake could be related to the German fegen or Dutch vegen, both meaning \u2018to polish\u2019 or \u2018to wipe clean\u2019\u2014the implication being that something might once have been said to have been \u2018faked\u2019 when it had been cleaned up to appear more valuable than it actually was.\u201d http:\/\/mentalfloss.com\/article\/92556\/fake-etymology-story-behind-one-dictionarys-most-intriguing-words<\/a><\/p>\n

    Indeed, when we first meet people or engage in small talk, we are likely \u2018polishing\u2019 some of our contributions.\u00a0 As stated above in the clinical vignette, I don\u2019t normally offer extra-vulnerable aspects of myself upon first meeting people.\u00a0 At the same time, every piece of shining silver eventually begins to tarnish and through this tarnishing comes love and attention to re-polishing.\u00a0 This is akin to how relationships work: we are polished, we show our tarnish, and we are cared for, and eventually tarnish shows up again.\u00a0 From an RO DBT perspective, this is healthy progress.\u00a0 How \u2018bout that?<\/p>\n

    \n

    About the author:\u00a0J. Nicole Little, Ph.D., R.C.C.<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

    Nicole is a therapist specialising in eating disorders and other conditions of overcontrol in Victoria, B.C., Canada.\u00a0 She has also taught for 13 years at Universities and colleges. Her passions are RO DBT and animal assisted therapy.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Much of RO DBT therapy includes an emphasis on practicing skills that will help people who lean toward overcontrol (OC) get back into the tribe, and as a result, back to optimal mental health.\u00a0 According to Lynch, psychological health or well-being in RO DBT is hypothesized to involve three core transacting features: Receptivity and Openness […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":200,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=905"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/200"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.radicallyopen.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}