That Darn Dishwasher and Other Stories of Self-enquiry
I had the recent pleasure of doing a Q & A with a Level 2 Watch Party and our topics were Radical Openness and Self-enquiry – two of my favourite topics to discuss with other clinicians and teach clients! In this Watch Party, participants were able to observe an ad hoc role play of myself and Erica Smith Lynch to answer the question: how do you teach self-enquiry if a client has not been formally introduced to it? It was an excellent reminder that although self-enquiry shows up in practically every skill offered (starting *ka-bang* at lesson 1 of you are doing skills class in a closed format) and is taught formally in lesson 13, we may have opportunities to introduce the skill in a session based on information our client has presented and/or as part of a solution analysis. Self-enquiry is not a new topic on this blog forum (click HERE for other blogs) but given it being a corner stone of radical openness, I was inspired by today’s Watch Party to revisit it. And of course, this includes the darn dishwasher, which we will get to soon!
Recall that self-enquiry is a process of healthy self doubt and leaning into the edges we might tend to explain away, defend against, shut down to or generally dismiss through repeated patterns of social signals (think of saying: “I am fine!” with a curt tone, when really, you feel like losing your sh*t or take a page from my OC playbook which when given feedback I don’t like, I typically start a sentence with “Well…and then, look out, here comes the rebuttal! Which typically is not in line my values, just saying). Edges typically occur in the everyday stuff of life – being cut off in traffic, someone giving a look, someone not liking a post on social media, etc. Self-enquiry is not about strong emotional reactions per say but rather moments when our response is out of proportion to the event at hand. If I sent you this blog half finished and said “can you just finish this off for me and submit?” you might be understandably anxious or resentful I sent it to you. The important part of this is that others, when in your shoes, would respond the same – so strong emotion is not always indicative of an edge or something in need of self-enquiry. However, when we find ourselves inclining to a rigid moral high ground, ruminating about the event or otherwise “stewing”, we might have exactly the energy to explore the classic RO question: is there something for me to learn?
Which brings us back to the dishwasher. In the Watch Party today, Erica role played a client upset about how the dishwasher was loaded. Most of us had a good chuckle, as this seems to come up consistently among clients and through some informal conversation, perhaps OC therapists as well! If you did not know the skill of self-enquiry, you might be inclined as a therapist to validate, therapeutically mind read or just listen: all important skills, but ones that might keep the client stuck in their world view. With self-enquiry, we can process the edge (“they didn’t stack the dishwasher correctly”) to get to a more poignant question of “what do I fear if I loosen my expectations of others?”). We can see a categorical difference in how these vantage points might strain or enhance an important relationship.
So, we hope you are practicing self-enquiry! It is meant to enhance our humility, strengthen our social connections and live in line with our values. Also, the secret society of watch parties may have agreed that there is indeed a best way to load the dishwasher. But to find out, you need to join the next one 😊.
In all seriousness, if you are doing Level 2, Watch Parties are an excellent way to stay motivated, connect with your peers and have an expert senior clinician (don’t worry, it’s not all me but I am there a lot!) answer your questions. And awesome news, the Watch Parties are free! We look forward to seeing you at our next one!