Zoloft, Grief, and Gratitude: learning to forgive using Flexible Mind has HEART
Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to decrease the dosage of one of my psychiatric medications. I had been taking the highest dose of Zoloft for years, and I worried about the side effects, especially the idea that Zoloft was making me feel like a Zombie more than a human.
I thought that perhaps a lower dose of my antidepressant would help me connect with my emotions on a deeper level. However, as soon as I decreased the dosage, horrible withdrawal effects appeared, and within ten days, my mental health deteriorated to a point where I didn’t feel stable anymore.
When my therapist suggested that there may be something to grieve (i.e., the expectation that this medication change would go smoothly), I didn’t think too much of it. Frankly, I was too busy fighting the dizziness and light-headedness to care.
A few weeks later, however, I realized that indeed, there was a grief element to it. I felt disappointed, not only in the circumstances, but also in my brain chemistry. I felt even more disappointed when I learned that I wouldn’t be able to change the dosage again for another six months (that’s half a year!). I found myself in Fatalistic Mind, having hopeless thoughts such as, “Will I ever be able to get off my medications? This will never end!”
Flexible Mind has HEART is one of my favourite RO-DBT skills, and it was helpful in helping me navigate this situation. It stands for:
H: identify the past hurt.
E: locate your edge that’s keeping you stuck in the past.
A: acknowledge that forgiveness is a choice.
R: reclaim your life by grieving your loss and practicing forgiveness.
T: practice thankfulness and then pass it on.
In this scenario, the hurt was feeling sad, disappointed and ashamed regarding my medication change and the undesired outcome. I practiced self-enquiry to locate my edge: “What’s the rush in decreasing my medication? What is there to learn from the feeling of shame? Is there a part of me that does not want to let go of this?”
Then, I acknowledged that forgiveness is a choice. I reclaimed my life by grieving my loss, and this looked like noticing a heaviness in my chest, slower breathing, and tension behind my eyes.
Finally, I practiced thankfulness.
I’m thankful for so many things. I’m thankful that I have access to free healthcare, that I can see a psychiatrist in the community, and that I have extended health insurance that covers most of the cost of my expensive medications.
I’m lucky to have friends who understand, an RO-DBT therapist who provides evidence-based treatment, and the privilege to take time off work to take care of myself when I need to. I don’t take any of those things for granted. Even if I have struggled immensely throughout most of my life, I’ve also been blessed in so many other ways.
In true RO-DBT spirit, what I’m most thankful for is my community and the wonderful people who love me, also known as my tribe. 🙂