“Kind of a vibe”: defining the “edge” in RO-DBT
One concept that stood out to me when I first learned about RO-DBT was the practice of self-enquiry in order to find your “edge,” or your personal unknown. In my opinion, there was no clear-cut definition, and as someone with overcontrolled (OC) tendencies, I desperately wished for one.
Even after poring over every chapter of the textbook and skills training manual, I still didn’t understand what it meant to find or ride your edge. The words “personal unknown” were vague, and I wanted a better description.
In fact, what I truly wanted to know was exactly what it would feel like, look like, and how I might succeed in doing it perfectly. I wanted concrete steps and detailed instructions, and I felt frustrated with the author for failing to include a clear-cut definition in the official manual — preferably one in bold capital letters.
When I asked my therapist to enlighten me and clarify exactly what it meant to find your edge, she burst into laughter.
“That’s so overcontrolled of you!” she said.
What followed was an interesting discussion.
“Why do you need to define it?” my therapist asked me.
“Because I don’t know the definition!!” I said, exasperated.
“Do you know the definition of every word?” she asked next. “Probably not all words, so why do you need to know this one?”
“I don’t know!!” I said.
Then, she challenged me to think of the reasons it was important for me to have access to a clear-cut definition.
I quickly realized that deep down, I wanted a clear-cut definition, because I thought that if I knew for sure what it meant, then I would be able to do it better.
“If I knew more about what it meant to find my edge, then I would feel more comfortable, and more certain about stuff,” I said.
The irony here is that finding your edge is an uncomfortable process in itself, and feeling uncertain as well as out of your comfort zone is kind of the point.
In the end, my therapist and I agreed that essentially, the edge is “kind of a vibe.” A vibe where you’re not quite sure where you’re going, or what’s happening, where you’re kind of flailing but also growing and learning. 🙂
Fast forward two years later, and I still don’t have a perfect or “right” definition. That’s okay, because I’ve come to terms with the fact that there isn’t one. I think that finding and riding your edge is a process that looks different for everyone, and that’s what makes it unique.
Your “edge” is the place where you have something to learn, and as somebody who has spent the last few months actively seeking it, I can confirm that not only is it a courageous place to be, but also one you won’t regret visiting.
Editor’s note:
Dr. Lynch chose not to pin down a clear-cut definition of “edge,” sensing that it’s something uniquely felt rather than universally described. He feared that defining it too precisely would turn it into a blueprint others might blindly follow, instead of letting each person navigate their own emotional terrain to discover what “edge” means to them.