Fixing Isn’t Always the Wise Thing: How I’m learning to help others help themselves
I like to problem-solve. I also like to fix things. I especially like to fix or solve other people’s problems, and I’m willing to bet that a lot of OC individuals like it as well.
I work with teenage girls, and lately, I have noticed my tendency to want to rescue them anytime they feel upset, encounter a problem, or face a challenge. This has led to feelings of exhaustion on my part, and a part of me knows that I need to practice self-enquiry to gain insight into what might be going on.
My latest self-enquiry went something like this:
What is driving my urge to problem solve? Do I not believe in the girls’ capacity to be skillful and find solutions on their own?
Is it truly selfless to rescue people every time they face a challenge? Doesn’t it rob them of the opportunity to learn and gain valuable skills?
I want the girls to be happy all the time. Why is that? Am I scared of their discomfort? Does my desire to make their painful feelings go away a sign that I care, or does it have more to do with my own discomfort with uncomfortable feelings…or maybe both?
I care about these teenage girls very much. But caring does not mean I have to jump in each time there’s a problem, right? I want to protect them so badly…but I can’t. I feel sad knowing this.
How does it feel in my body when I have the urge to protect these girls, and realize that nothing in life is truly guaranteed, and that ultimately, I have less control over what happens to them than I wish I had?
Wait…is this really about the girls, or is this about my desire to go back in time and fiercely protect my teenage self, as I see myself so much in them? Is my desire to fix their problems more about grieving my own past?
If I don’t solve a problem immediately, will the world erupt into flames? I don’t think so…then why is it so tough for me to sit back and let time pass, before I go into problem-solving mode?
Also, it’s not like the girls are left to fend for themselves! There’s always a member of staff on duty. So, how come it’s so important that I am the main presence? Am I being arrogant, doubting my coworkers’ abilities? Is this about attachment, and a weird fear of missing out???
Whenever I practice self-enquiry, it adds to my peace of mind. Right now, I can acknowledge that continuing on this path of fixing everything will lead to feelings of resentment and burnout in the long-term.
Moving forward, I have to remind myself of an assumption I’ve held for a very long time: human beings, especially kids, are resilient. They are! Sometimes, I fragilize the kids I work with because I want to save them. But the truth is, I can only love them.
These kids are resilient, and when I fiercely believe in their ability to tolerate distress in the moment, it allows me to relax and be okay with not intervening right away. And, it allows them to build emotion regulation skills. It’s a win for everyone involved.
So, in the end, perhaps not jumping in right away to fix other people’s problems is the best way to give them their agency and make them feel empowered.
And isn’t that a wonderful gift in itself?