The Pros and Cons of Being an OC Caregiver
In the last few years, I entered into the reality known as “the sandwich generation.” For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it refers to those us who are middle aged (yikes! How did I get here so fast?) and simultaneously caring for ageing parents and adult children (or other younger adult relative). According to Statistics Canada, 1.8 million people in my country are in the same boat. My partner and I joke that at age 50 and 60 we decided to start a family, and our household turned into what we affectionately termed our multigenerational circus. With varying needs, wants and schedules of those between 20 years of age to 80, (alongside the furry four-legged roommates), someone needs to be organized. And what better person than someone who leans to over control (OC)? And if you have read other blogs of mine, you might have guessed that person is me. I often say to my clients “learn from my mistakes” and I extend that to you – because there are pros and cons to being an OC caregiver.
Recall that leaning to OC is considered bio temperamental, meaning our brains are hardwired to have lower reward sensitivity, high threat sensitivity, high inhibitory control and high attention to detail. For the caregiver, these can be superpowers. For example, being able to delay gratification allowed me to attend to the daily needs of my elder and a high attention to detail made me an excellent lay nurse when it came to medication administration, appointment scheduling, and symptom tracking of any cognitive or physical changes. While the frequency of someone else’s bowel movements or hydration may not be the most exciting topic of conversation, it was important for the care I had to give. In addition, an OC person’s capacity for distress tolerance made me an excellent crisis manager. I want to emphasize that being OC probably makes you a very organized caregiver. However, the very things that make an excellent manager can also lend to taking caretaking too seriously or rigidly. Which may be a true story (tee-hee).
So, let’s talk about the cons. I overheard my elder say to another person “Oh that Nicole is very organized” to which her companion replied: “almost too organized!” And boy oh boy, did they both find that hilarious! If you lean to OC, chances are that you also lean toward perfectionism. When I started this recent leg of the caregiving journey, I was hell bent on being Mother Theresa 2.0 (cause, you know, us OCs are so easy going) and I quickly learned that if this journey was going to be sustainable, I had to be a “good enough” caregiver. This included using skills we learn in RO DBT such as flexibly responding, direct communication, engaging my social safety when my frustration was getting the best of me, resisting the urge to be a martyr, repairing conflict, and practicing loving kindness meditation daily. And while schedules needed to be followed for optimal health of my elder, I also learned that a little spontaneity could go a long way (nachos for breakfast? Why not). Last but not least, I needed to practice asking for help – and being ok if that help looked different than what The Sock Sergeant (my nickname for insisting on clean clothes) may do in the same situation.
As I reflect on the last couple of years, I can honestly say that Flexible Mind is DEEP was my compass. It is impossible to intimately care for vulnerable young or old loved ones without reflecting on values and how our actions match those values (or where they fall short). I am deeply grateful for what this experience has clarified for me in terms of what truly is important. I’d like to say that nobody died because of my good enough caregiving, but my elder did eventually pass. Her chosen loved ones participated in a passing ritual aligned with her values, marked by laughter, music and intentional good byes. All these lessons can now be paid forward to the next elder I care for, but I will probably not yield on the issue of clean socks, just sayin.’ RIP Helen, I hope you are eating nachos for breakfast everyday!