When your therapist makes you a hot chocolate: rethinking the “rules” of therapy according to RO-DBT
According to RO-DBT, “since OC clients are highly rule governed, they often have developed rules about what should occur in therapy.” As an OC human who has been in therapy for a long time, I am most definitely guilty of this.
In fact, for the longest time, my rules as a client included the following:
- Never cry in front of your therapist.
- Never raise your voice in session.
- Always be on time.
- Always be pleasant, polite, and respectful.
- Always turn off your mobile phone during session.
- Never ask for a hug from your therapist.
- Never take off your shoes to sit criss-cross apple sauce (or show off your fun socks!).
- Always do the homework and complete your diary card.
- But most importantly, never burden your therapist, in any way, shape or form.
In contrast, rules I had about how therapists should behave included the following:
- Therapists should never swear in sessions.
- Therapists should never reveal personal information unless absolutely necessary.
- Therapists should always end sessions on time.
- Therapists should always have a bookshelf with a proper amount of serious scientific literature.
Please note that I am very aware of the “always’s” and “never’s” in my statements – a clear sign that my Fixed Mind has taken over!
Recently, I was able to meet my therapist in person, after several months of seeing each other virtually. The first time we met in person, she offered me tea, coffee, or hot chocolate on multiple occasions, and I declined each time.
Considering I was anxious as hell and as frozen as a statue, her offer would have most likely provided much needed self-soothing (and I suspect that she offered several times because self-soothing can help with activating social safety).
However, something inside stopped me. I think I didn’t want to accept her offer of a hot beverage (a social signal of kindness and caring) because I didn’t really feel like I deserved it (again, the rule is, never be a burden on your therapist!!!).
Now, I’m not exactly sure what kind of witchcraft or magic my therapist practices, but I can confidently say that nobody was as shocked as much as I was when I found myself accepting her offer of a hot chocolate during our second in-person session.
I would like to pretend that I only said yes because I wanted to please her, but the truth is that I was feeling so much sadness, and the thought of a hot chocolate was truly comforting. It might have been a small gesture on my therapist’s part, but it did mean a lot to me.
Hot beverages aside, since I’ve started RO-DBT, I have found myself breaking many more of my therapy “rules”. I have my therapist’s number saved in my phone. I threw a soft stress ball against the wall in her office to help with feelings of frustration (you might as well have dared me to throw a chair through her window). I have cancelled a session when sick (instead of pushing through and showing up anyway).
When I reflect on these things, I am reminded that RO-DBT as an approach sometimes challenges traditional therapy expectations. My therapist has offered me a hug, she has extended our session time when I needed it, and she has used self-disclosure to make me feel less alone, all of which has strengthened our relationship (she also does make a lovely hot chocolate).
I think that the lesson here is that it’s okay to accept care when you are struggling. It’s okay to let your therapist – another human being first and foremost – show you kindness, especially when you are going through a really hard time.
Whether it comes in the form of a text after a tough session, a well-timed eyebrow wag or genuine close-mouthed smile, or a hot beverage – RO-DBT reminds us that connection fosters hope.
And when I feel hopeful, I also feel deeply grateful.